Amanda JAYNE Mair

TO OUR MANDY
BORN 18TH MARCH FELL ASLEEP 9TH MARCH
TO OUR MAND
I MISS YOU SO MUCH SORRY I COULD NOT HELP YOU WISH I COULD BUT IT WASNT MEANT TO BE WAS IT.
LIFE WAS SO CRUEL THAT DAY IT TORE ME IN TWO IT BROKE MY HEART
DID YOU KNOW
DID YOU WANT TO SAY SOMETHING
DID YOU WANT TO ASK US SOMETHING
WE WILL NEVER KNOW
HOPE WE DID YOU PROUD WHEN WE SENT YOU TO JESUS YOU HAD LOADS OF PEOPLE CAME TO SAY BYE COUDNT BELIEVE IT
YOU DONT KNOW HOW MUCH YOU ARE MISSED BY EVERYONE
ALL YOUR WORKS THEY HAVE PUT UP A BENCH FOR YOU IT IS LOVELY WE GO AND VISIT YOU ALL THE TIME BUT IT DOESNT MAKE IT ANY BETTER EVERY DAY IT GETS HARDER I THINK YOU WILL APPEAR KNOWING DEEP DOWN YOU WONT BUT HOPING I GOT IT WRONG BUT KNOWING I DIDNT PRAYING YOU WILL BE OKAY WONDERING IF YOU CAN SEE US DO YOU LISTEN TO US WHEN WE CRY WHEN WE HURT I KNOW YOU WOULD SAY BE HAPPY BUT WE CANT
EVERY DAY IT IS HARD AND GETS HARDER XMAS IS COMING AND IT IS AWFUL TO REMEMBER LAST YEAR YOU WERE THERE NOW YOU ARENT WHAT WILL IT BE LIKE WE DONT KNOW
YOU WENT TO SLEEP I DIDNT KNOW THEY WERE GOING TO PUT THE DRIP ON YOU BUT I KNEW THEN THAT I WOULD NEVER HEAR YOU AGAIN
I COUDNT WATCH AS THEY PUT YOU IN YOUR GARDEN IT MEANT THAT WE COUDNT SEE YOU AGAIN OR TOUCH YOU
I HAVE YOUR HAIR CLARE DID IT FOR ME A PICTURE OF US TWO WITH A ARCH OF HAIR OVER US I WILL TREAURE THAT PICTURE FOR EVER I SMELL YOUR CARDIGAN ALL THE TIME JUST HOPING I CAN SMELL YOU BUT I CANT BUT IT WAS YOURS AND YOU LIKED IT SO I TREASURE IT
YOU WERE SO BRAVE MORE BRAVER THAN I COULD OF EVER BEEN NOT A TEAR PASSED WHILE WE WERE THERE MAYBE WHEN YOU WERE ON YOUR OWN BUT YOU NEVER SHOWED US BUT THAT WAS YOU ALWAYS THINKING OF OTHERS
I SAY GOODNIGHT AND GOOD MORNING EVERY DAY IF ONLY I COULD PICK THE PHONE UP AND SPEAK TO YOU WHAT I WOULD GIVE FOR ONE MORE CONVERSATION ONE TOUCH ONE KISS ONE MORE I LOVE YOU BUT I CAN ONLY HOPE YOU HEAR ME
IT HAS BEEN EIGHT MONTHS NOW AND IT STILL FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY I DONT THINK I CAN EVER FEEL NORMAL AGAIN POOR GUS HE GETS IT ALL BUT AS YOU ALWAYS SAID HE WAS A GOOD ONE HE IS HE LOOKS AFTER ME AND LOVES ME WHAT MORE COULD I ASK FOR
CAROLINE HAD A BABY BOY BRADLEY HE IS LOVELY AND YOU WOULD OF LOVED HIM SHE WANTS MORE KIDS SHE MENTAL DAVID IS OKAY STILL WORKING HARD

MAM IS COPING WELL WHEN WE THERE BUT I THINK SHE IS SO SAD WHEN SHE IS ALONE.

KRYS HAS GOOD AND BAD DAYS I WILL TRY AND HELP HER WITH LIFES PATH BUT SHE HAS HER OWN MIND

KRYSTAL AND CHRIS ARENT TOGETHER NOW

I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU THOUGHT OF HIM HE WAS A BLESSING BUT NOT TO BE
STILL FREINDS THOUGH AND HE MISSES YOU AS WELL

IAN IS OKAY OR SO HE SAYS HE MISSES YOU SO MUCH AS WE ALL DO
YOU WERE HIS LIFE

CLARE HAS GOOD DAYS AND BAD ALSO SHE HAS TURNED INTO THE STRONG ONE AFTER BUT SHE IS LIKE US ALL HEARTBROKEN CHRIS IS HELPING HER ALONG

AS DOES OUR SUE SHE VISITS YOU EVERY DAY AND LOOKS AFTER YOUR GARDEN WITH PRIDE SHE GO UPSET ONE DAY BECAUSE THEY HAD LOCKED THE GATE THOUGHT SHE WAS IGNORING YOU PATRICK LUCY MATHEW MARI AND SIMON ALL MISS YOU

JOHN THINKS OF YOU EVERYDAY AND BRINGS YOU FLOWERS MISSES YOU LOADS AND LOVES YOU MORE

MARK TRUDY EMMA BILLY RICHARD AMY HETTY JAKE


RICHARD ANITA JOHN AND JASMINE


JIMMY SANDRA


DAVID REBBECA VICKY


ALL OF THEM THINK OF YOU EVERY DAY NO ONE CAN COME TO TERMS WITH IT

ANDREW IS TRYING TO COME TO TERMS WITH IT HE MAY BE HARD BUT IT BROKE HIM IN TWO STILL THE LITTLE BROTHER RACHEAL MISSES YOU AS WELL

LEE IS STILL UPSET AS HE IS THE BABY HE WAS DESTROYED BY ALL THIS JEMMA LIAM AND JAMES ARE MISSING YOU THEY ASK ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME

NOT SAYING NONE OF US WAS WE LOST OUR FAMILY BOND THE DAY YOU DIED I DONT LIKE GET TOGETHERS AS IT HURTS WHEN WE LOOK FOR YOU AND YOUR NOT THERE

PAT KEPT OUR SPIRITS UP SHE BAKED AND BAKED YOU KNOW HER COOKING LOVELY CAKES WE GAVE YOU ONE WITH A CUPPA WHEN YOU WERE IN THE FRONT ROOM RESTING COL COLLEEN AND GIRLS MISS YOU


WE MISS YOU SO MUCH AND WILL NEVER FORGET YOU EVER TILL WE MEET AGAIN LOVE YOU SO MUCH

XMAS CAME AND WENT WE ALL JUST WANTED IT OVER WITH IT HURT TOO MUCH WITHOUT YOU

NEW YEAR WAS SAD NO ONE TO PHONE AND SAY HAPPY NEW YEAR NO ONE TO LAUGH WITH WE WENT TO BUTLINS AND TOOK THE KIDS JUST TO GET AWAY FROM ALL THE CELEBRATIONS IT DIDNT WORK
GUESS WHAT KRYSTAL YOUR DAUGHTER PHONED ME AND SAID SHE WAS PREGNANT YOU WOULD OF LOVED THAT YOR FIRST GRANDCHILD BUT WE WILL TRY AND ADVISE HER ON THE RIGHT AND WRONGS BUT YOU KNOW KRYSTAL SHE WILL ONLY DO AS SHE WANTS SO CONGRATULATIONS
WISHYOU WERE HERE TO SEE IT
BUT IM SURE YOU WLL BE WATCHING
YOU WOULD OF BEEN A GREAT NANA
CAROLINE IS PREGNANT AGAIN THIRD ONE MY GOD COST A FORTUNE WE FIND OUT WHAT THEY ARE HAVING DAY AFTER YOUR BIRTHDAY

CAROLINE IS CALLING HERS EMILY JAYNE AMANDA KRYSTAL DONT KNOW FIRST NAME BUT AMANDA JAYNE AS SECOND NAME

YOUR ANNIVERSARY IS COMING UP MY GOD A YEAR HOW FAST STILL CANT COME TO TERMS WITH IT AS WE STILL CRY EVERY DAY THINK OF YOU ALWAYS THE FAMILY IS STILL BROKEN AND WILL NEVER BE FIXED AGAIN


MAIR
MANDY
DIED
9TH MARCH 2006

If we could have a lifetime wish
a dream that would come true
We’d pray to God with all our heart
for yesterday and you.
A thousand words can't bring you back
We know because we've tried
and neither will a million tears
We know because we've cried.
You left behind our broken hearts
and happy memories too
We never wanted memories...
We only wanted you.

Love and miss
You more each day

YOUR SISTER KATRINA, GUS,
CAROLINE, SCOTT, DAVID,
ROSS AND BRADLEY.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ON THE 18TH

OUR LUCY IS 21 A GROWN UP WOMEN STILL LAUGHING AND JOKING. SIMON IS STILL AT HOME NOW AND MATHEW IS HAVING A BABY BLESS BUT YOU BE WATCHING I KNOW YOU WILL

ILL BE BACK AGAIN TO UPDATE YOU LOVE AND MISS YOU SPEAK AGAIN SOON
FIRST YEAR ANNIVERSAY HERE IS WHAT PEOPLE SAID ABOUT YOU



MY SISTER AMANDA JAYNE MAIR

SHE WAS BORN 18TH MARCH 1965 HER AND HER BROTHER DAVID WEIGHING ONLY TINY SHE WAS AS SHE WAS ALL THROUGH HER LIFE

SHE WAS NO ANGEL BUT DID DO A LOT OF GOOD THINGS IN HER LIFE BUT HAVENT WE ALL BUT SAW GOOD IN EVERY ONE NOT ALL OF US CAN DO THAT CAN WE.

PLEASE EMAIL ME WITH MEMORIES OF MANDY AND WHAT SHE GOT UP TO

TOWARDS THE END

SHE WAS SO BRAVE

HERE IS A LETTER WHAT HER DAUGHTER WROTE ON A SITE FOR HER


I treasure that letter. I read it when I'm down or when I'm happy. I feel her with me everywhere I go.

In October last year my mam went to the doctors as she was coughing up blood and had pains in her chest. The doctor sent her for a chest scan straight away and found a shadow on her lung. My mam didn't tell me this at the time though, my Nan and the rest of family did but my mam was trying to protect me in case it was nothing to worry about. I'd lost my dad 2 years before so she thought I'd been through enough.

Later found out the doctors thought it was TB, they sent her for a few different tests, biopsies twice but because of the position it was in they couldn't get to it. By this time I knew it could be cancer. It was so frustrating, they'd send her for a test one week, wait another for the results, and wait a few days to have a meeting to discuss what to do next. I mean did they not realise how serious this was!!! I kept going on at my mam to go private thinking it would be quicker, she was too worried that they would have to start from scratch though so refused.

Still I’m kind of angry with her for that. Then I feel guilty for being angry. She was so so brave, braver than I could have been. She finally got the results we'd been dreading, cancer. Lung cancer. But don't worry too much the doctors said, non small cell cancer, slowest growing. They would operate, remover her lung and she should make full recovery.

End of January this year she went to London for a PET scan to check if a small shadow on her other lung was cancer. Test results came back next week. My mum came back from London exhausted as we live in the northeast so it
was a long journey and the hospital provided her with only a train ticket so it wasn't a very comfortable ride. We were all feeling quite relieved as we were under the impression that it was just to confirmation of what we already knew and as soon as PET scan results were back we could get on with the operation.

The morning the results came back my mum got a phone call from the cancer nurse at hospital, she told her it wasn't good news and she would come and visit her to explain along with her GP. I started to feel so nervous. My Nan and a couple of my aunties were there as they had been
helping to care for my mum during the daytime. When the nurse and GP arrived they told us the results had showed that they were wrong in the diagnosis, the cancer in the lung was secondary and they had found that the cancer was in the bones. I cried so much, didn't quite understand what they meant. They signed a certain disability form which pushes allowances through. My mam questioned them but they didn't say she was going to die, just that they would do this for her as she had been messed about so far. They explained it wouldn't be cured but they could treat her and hopefully it would go into
remission. My mam didn't shed a tear, still so positive and ready to fight although she looked exhausted. I felt guilty, here is me crying and there is she still smiling!

Next couple of weeks was the worst of my life, she was taken into hospital due to her calcium levels being too high, and she could barely breathe as one of her lungs had collapsed. On the Monday morning she had an appointment with a cancer specialist - her one and only appointment - they discussed options with her on radiotherapy and booked her in for the Wednesday. On Tuesday she came home from hospital, she said she wanted to go private as she was sick of waiting.

She didn't know we'd asked the doctors
for prognosis, she didn't know we'd been told she had 2 weeks left. The night she came home my aunt and I stayed up with her. I lay in bed next to her, trying to sooth her. The medication was quite strong but she was really anxious about her breathing, she thought if she went to sleep she would forget to breath so I stayed up with her, we talked about holidays we were going to have once she was better, we had a kitchen brochure and chose a new kitchen. She was still laughing and joking.


Wednesday was horrible, she was so tired from lack of sleep but had to go for radiotherapy, every single bump in the car made her scream in pain. WHY DID SHE HAVE TO SUFFER??? The night was worse, they hadn't got the medication right, and she was crawling the bed in pain, asking for help! She didn't know where to put herself. The district nurses came out 5 times during the night, I can't fault them, and they were amazing people. I felt so bad, I couldn't sit with her after a while, my uncles and step dad was there with her and one of my aunts so she wasn't on her own but I still feel like I let her down when she needed me the most, it was just that I couldn't sit and watch her die in such pain. In the morning they eventually got her medication right, made her comfortable. She didn't really wake up again; I sat and held her hand and family visited all day. She opened her eyes a few times, squeezed my hand. I was trying to be so brave for her. Was reassuring her that wherever she would be going to would be better than this place. That I’d be ok, I told her I’d cry when she was gone but that she shouldn't worry as I'll also smile when I remember her. Teatime her eyes went cold, she was still alive but I knew she had gone from us. That night I sat brushing her hair on bed. Her best friend and my step dad and my husband were sat there too. Her eyes opened, I thought she had wakened and called her name and then I heard it "she's gone". The next day my aunty handed me a letter, my mum had written it for me, she didn't know she was going but she wasn't stupid, she knew this would eventually get her and she wanted to say some things. I treasure that letter. I read it when I'm down or when I'm happy. I feel her with me everywhere I go. She died 3 months ago. Since then my life has been.. Strange. I really don't know how I feel. I do cry but not a lot and not for very long. I feel numb; I know she's died but does that really mean she's not coming back? I'm not convinced although logical side of my brain tells me not to try and kid myself. There are no answers to grief. I don't think I'll ever get over losing her, the pain will never go away but I will learn to live with it and I know that the good things in life outweigh the bad. Is there a heaven, a spirit world, nothingness? Well if there is a heaven then I can carry on my life knowing one day I'll see her smiling face again. If there is nothing, this whole thing has proven to me that life is precious and short so I'm going to make the most of it. Remember with love the people who have gone but remember to love the people who are still her. What happens in your life is not what makes you the person you are, it's how you deal with those things.